Title: Every year

Author: isaksmum

Guardian: Jack

Warnings: none

Spoilers: vague ones about Charlie

Pairing: Jack/Sara

Disclaimer: Just borrowing the characters and backstory.

A/N: In this story Daniel is an unaware four-year-old. I was aiming for something Christmas-y, but the story took a sharp turn at sentimental and headed straight into maudlin. Oh well. Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

Every year

 

The cemetery was nearly empty on Christmas. You could see flickering lights where people had left candles, mourners trying to recapture a small piece of holidays with a loved one. Jack came every year, on Christmas or as close as he could get. The short walk from the car to Charlie's grave had taken a long time, Daniel's little four-year-old legs taking short steps.

Some days he didn't think about it, but mostly it still felt beyond bizarre. Dr Daniel Jackson, his friend - his best friend - was gone…or not gone exactly but changed, and irrevocably as far as they knew. When they pulled his…shrunken body out of the rubble of some ancient nutty professor's lab he had seemed to retain his adult abilities and memories.  Then the fever started. It was like a strange and frightening countdown where they could track Daniel´s regression as he lost one language after another. As far as Fraiser could tell it had evened out around age four. Six months ago the fever had ended, Jack had stepped down from off-word duties and taken Daniel home with him.

He was fixing Charlie's candle now, having made sure Daniel was at a safe distance. Now you're concerned with safety, his subconscious taunted him. Bit late, don't you think?

“Isn't he cold, dad?”

Daniels voice broke Jack's reveries. Setting the candle down he turned to pick up the little boy. He hoisted him up and Daniel wrapped his arms around Jack's neck.

“What?”

“I'm cold, dad. And Charlie's always in the ground, doesn't he get cold?”

“No, Charlie…Charlie's not really here anymore. Not like that. He can't feel cold.” Or happiness, or pain, or disappointment that his dad missed another Christmas. I'm sorry, son. I'm so sorry.

Daniel rubbed his nose against Jack's cheek. It was a tiny, very cold nose.

“Dad, is Charlie with the stars, like we saw in the telescope? Like my mom and my other dad?”

At uneven intervals Daniel would get flashes of his adult self's memories. They never failed to frighten and confuse him. One recent night he had sobbed for his mommy for what seemed like hours. In a fit of desperate inspiration Jack had told him that his parents were watching over him, invisible among the stars. Miraculously the thought had calmed Daniel. It was almost worth the extremely chilly hour they had spent on the roof, looking through Jack's telescope.

“Uh, sure he is. Yeah, he's with the stars, too.”

They looked at the candle for a moment. Daniel wondered about Christmas. Everyone talked about it like it was a wonderful thing. But it seemed to make his father sad. And in the back of his mind he felt sad about Christmas too. Memories came to him that had nothing to do with Santa, gifts or trees. Memories of being lonely, missing something.

Jack watched the candlelight against the headstone. He tried to focus on holding Daniel but he was powerless against the images in his mind. Charlie at Christmas, in a pajama with stars and rockets. Wrapping paper all over the room. New skates, maybe. A model airplane, which would make Sara smile and ask who would enjoy it most.

 He rarely allowed himself to miss Sara. With Charlie he was helpless whenever the feeling of loss slammed into his chest. Missing Sara was less visceral somehow. He had made himself forget her after failing her in the worst possible way, when it was clear he couldn´t be the man she deserved. Still, standing in front of their son´s grave on Christmas he missed her so much, he could almost feel her presence.

“Jack?”

OK, some of that may have been because she was actually standing behind him. He spun round, mouth open.

“Hey.” She looked curiously at Daniel but didn't say anything.

“Hey…uh…aren't you in California? I, I mean it's great to see you… I just…I thought…”

Yep, that special ops training still held. Thank god she wasn't with the NID, or something. No-one else had the same capacity to turn him into a babbling idiot.

“I moved back when dad became ill.”

“Yeah, I heard about that. I'm sorry I didn't come but I was…away.”

“S'okay. He knew you cared, he always did. It's good to see you.”

“You too. How's…” what was the guy's name again? Nick? Mick?

Sara smiled patiently. “I'm sure he's fine. He's still in California, though.”

“Oh.” Oh!

Daniel was listening absently, looking at the lady in the blue jacket. She had sad eyes and he felt like he knew her from somewhere.

“You're Charlie´s mom. I've seen your picture.” She looked down when he said that. Her eyes glistened in the light from the candle. He wondered why being someone´s mom would make her sad.

“We gave Charlie a light. It's okay, dad says he can't feel the cold.” Sara swallowed.

“Daniel, not now, please.”

Sara smiled a slightly shaky smile towards Daniel and came closer to touch his cheek.

“That's alright, don't worry.” She looked at Jack again. “Your wife's kind to let you bring him here.” She brushed Daniel´s too-long hair from his eyes. “On Christmas and all.”

Huh?

“What? No, no it's not…I'm not...” Oh, this is going so well! “Daniel's my friend's kid. He's staying with me because his dad's…ah… MIA.”

“Oh. I see.”

She looked down again and Jack searched in vain for something to say that would make it alright. Daniel broke the moment by yawning. Sara smiled “Looks like it's time for the two of you to get home.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Strange, here he was, cold, in front of his son's headstone on the most miserable day of the year for parents of dead children and yet he felt reluctant to leave. He leant in to kiss Sara's cheek, awkwardly angling Daniel on his hip. She stood still for a moment and then grabbed his arm to hold him, their faces pressed together. He felt tears. His? Hers?

He kissed her temple and drew back to look at her. “You should come over to us. Have dinner. Please.”

“I'll see.” She nodded towards the grave. “I'm just gonna…”

“Sure, but...please…” He was relived to see her smile.

“Maybe. You'd better get Daniel home before he gets frozen solid.”

“OK, see you.” Goodbye Charlie. He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, not even in front of Sara.

“Bye, Fara” Daniel had taken the opportunity to burrow into his jacket which muffled his speech a bit.    

 

---

 

Later that evening Daniel had come to the conclusion that this Christmas thing wasn't so bad after all. They had given Charlie a light and come home to make a fire and eat lots of good stuff for dinner. Then they watched a funny movie with Sara and ate even more good stuff in front of the TV. He fell asleep on Sara's lap, thinking about parents and a little boy, invisible among the stars where they could never feel the cold.

 

The End